Why The Thought Of Summer Gives Me Anxiety

If you get anxiety, you will already know how the thought of pretty much anything can make you nervous, make your heart race and make you dread something that rationally should do none of those things. But anxiety doesn't care about "rational". Anxiety will pop up at any moment, because of anything.

Now don't get me wrong. I am BUZZING for summer! I can't wait to spend my days off taking trips to the beach, going camping with my friends, spending evenings in the garden with a few drinks and some music playing. It'll be awesome!

But there are some things about summer that get me freaked. And this makes me feel like such a black sheep in my group of friends. 

I'm the only one in my group who gets anxiety, and I don't think the others quite understand what it's like. I've made comments about getting anxious before and they've just looked confused. I don't think I could possibly admit to them that the thought of summer seems so daunting to me because none of them would be able to understand.

Thinking of summer makes me think of the fact that I have rent to pay on two flats. I have a month and a half where I'll have started my summer job, but won't have had a pay day. I have several people's birthdays to fund before I have this first pay day. I'll be back at work at a hotel where I usually end up barely seeing the light of day because the hours are so antisocial and I always end up having no life outside of it. I'll be back living at home with my parents. 

I know this list is probably the same as a lot of students out there, and they'll be able to shrug it off and not make a mountain out of a couple of molehills. But when you get anxiety, every tiny molehill is a mountain in itself. And it's scary, and confusing, and so hard to explain.

I feel like a fool because I've cried to my boyfriend before about how terrified I am to go home for summer, and I know he can't quite wrap is head around it, though he tries. Anxiety is good at making people feel like they're alone.

I guess that's the reason I'm writing this post. Because I know I'm not the only one going through this, and I want to remind people that you're not alone either. We will stress and stress over these things until they arrive, and we'll realise that things were nowhere even close to as bad as we thought they were going to be. 

Summer will come and the sun will shine and we'll wonder how we even managed to conjure up such bad mojo about it in the first place. And we'll be fine.